My Mountains

“I lift my eyes up to the mountains, where does my help come from?” Psalm 121:1

Mountains have always been a part of my life, whether in the physical or metaphorical sense. I’ve faced many mountains in my 29 years on this earth. Some I have been able to climb without a problem, and some I climbed with great difficulty. Each mountain has shaped and changed my life.

Mountain #1: A lonely childhood

I grew up in Seattle, a place known for its mountain views. Mount Rainier stood watch over me and represented the first mountain I would have to face.

As the middle child in a family of lots of children (#4 out of 5 girls) there were a lot of times I felt forgotten, and pushed aside. From that I experienced a lot of negativity about my own life, and then felt always outcast from kids my age. I never felt like I fit in, and constantly felt like an outsider.

One constant in my life was the presence of God. Our family attended church every Sunday. Even though our home life didn’t reflect the life we displayed at church, I felt like God was the one thing in my life that made sense. Amidst the pain and loneliness there was one constant. God. His stories never changed and I felt his arms wrap me up from a young age as I relied more and more on him.

Mountain #2: Troubled teens

“For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.” Isaiah 41:13

My 13th year brought on a season of hardships and a declining mental health. Rumors were spread by people I considered friends, other so called friends talked about me behind my back, and my self-worth took a nosedive.

I considered myself to be ugly. I disgusted myself so much that mirrors became my enemy. I couldn’t look in a mirror for longer than I needed to. I felt no worth as a person and felt like others would be better off without me. So many people passed it off as “just a teenager”. I was constantly afraid of what others thought about me, couldn’t trust anyone, not even myself, and overthought everything anyone said.

One morning in my senior year I got into a huge fight with my mom, and on the way to school, alone in my car, I screamed and cried to God, asking Him why He abandoned me and cursed me with this family! After I had wiped my tears and started to walk across the parking lot, the first person I saw was a man handing out this little Gideon bibles. It was that moment that made me realize that God had never left me, He’d be there the whole time.

Mountain #3: The dark ages

College brought with it the next physical mountain I would face, Mount Hood in Oregon.

2009, two years after going off to college, I fell into the darkest pit I have ever been in. Depression took me into a dark well and I couldn’t see the top. There were many events that led to that year of darkness. 2009 I hit a level of self-worth so low it was near non-existent.

I felt angry at everyone more as a defense mechanism. I started floating by in life, not really aware of my daily actions, sometimes I’d have gaps in memory. Suicidal thoughts started and I found myself attempting them but never succeeding because some supernatural force always stopped me.

It wasn’t until I tried to drive into oncoming traffic that I finally realized I couldn’t do this anymore and I needed help. I sought counseling and started to get to the root of all my issues, but it was difficult.

Sometimes in life God speaks to us in whispers. Sometimes he has to scream. I needed an awakening, something to draw me out of my depression, and God did that through a tragedy.

Mountain #4: The loss of a friend

“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” 1 Peter 5:10

December 11, 2009 is a date seared into my memory forever. It was the day that the life I used to know ended.

I mentioned that Mount Hood would play an important role right? Well on that day my friend Luke Gullberg climbed up Mount Hood with two others and never returned home.

His death hit me in the gut like a sledgehammer. Grief took the place of everything else and I was numb. I’d known him my entire life and in a moment he was gone. But the life and legacy he left behind would forever change me.

His dedication in his living years to God and to his friends was an incredible example. At his memorial Service there was a middle school gym overflowing with people! In his 26 years on earth he impacted more lives than some hope to impact in 86 years. It was in that moment that I realized I wanted my story to be different! I wanted to make a difference just like Luke and the one way to do that was to face my depression and anxiety head on and find healing.

Mountain #5: To live would be an awfully big adventure

Since 2009 I have completely and utterly turned my life around and found healing I never thought was possible. But it hasn’t always been an easy journey.

2010: The year I worked on healing. I worked with a couple different therapists to face my depression and work through it, fighting back the suicidal thoughts. As well I volunteered with a young girl who had leukemia, learning about life through the eyes of a child.

2011: The year I learned that God is alive. I moved back to Seattle and started working in my church youth group, as well as traveling to Uganda where I saw the Joy that life could bring through teens and the wonderful children of Uganda

2012: The year I followed God’s call. That year I lost one of my jobs, and then a door was opened for me to work for Disney Cruise Line.

2013: The year of Magic. Disney was a challenge and pushed my limits. I had to fight through my anxiety but it ended up being one of the most incredible years of my life. The world of Disney is truly magical.

2014: The year God broke me. In 2014 I embarked on the most life-changing experience of my life. I left everything behind to travel to 11 countries in 11 months with the World Race. Where I climbed literal mountains in Guatemala, Nicaragua and Nepal.

That year was challenging. It forced me to face things from my past that I had suppressed, work through my anxiety, face truths about my life. But in the end working through all of that helped me heal more than anything else. Living for Jesus 24/7 for a whole year broke me in the best way possible.

Living in San Diego for the last three years has brought on challenges of its own.

Through all of this, through the years of anxiety attacks, suicidal attempts, depression, self doubt, and self realization there has been one constant, the love of God surrounding me.

My anxiety and depression are not completely healed or absent from my life. I struggle with them on a daily basis. But I know now that I can use my experience and my story to help others. God has given me so much in life and I hope that I can give just a little back to others.

There’s still a lot of mountains to face, but I know I won’t be facing them alone! So take my hand and lets face that Mountain together!