Vulnerability

I am a person who likes a plan! I like to know what is coming next! I can be spontaneous, but I have to PLAN to be spontaneous….. come on I can’t be the only one!

As a person with a plan it is difficult for me when things don’t go according to my plan.

I had planned on writing a blog about the day in the life of anxiety. I have been planning it for weeks, but it still hasn’t happened! But you know what???

IT’S OKAY!

I have had a very busy two weeks, and my mind has not been in the right place to write that blog. And that’s okay! That is just another part of living with mental illness, showing grace in the moments when I just can’t do the things I want to do. Knowing that sometimes taking a break or resting is exactly what I need to do, for my own health.

Two weeks ago I started a new job, a job that I love! I am a teaching artist at the new children’s museum, and it truly is awesome! But starting a new job is always hard, all the training, the information being piled on that you’re supposed to remember, just meeting all the new people and trying to remember all their names. Its like torture for someone with anxiety! The constant need to be good enough so everyone likes me! It’s exhausting!

On top of starting a new job, I was helping my mother take care of my five (Yes that is 5) nieces and nephews while my sister and her husband were out of the country. Let me tell you! After working 7 hours, walking up and down 10 flights of stairs, and absorbing an insane amount of information, coming home to 5 children running around, trying to prepare them dinner, and get them to bed in one piece, it was exhausting!

To all of the parents out there, I want to say GOD BLESS YOU!!! I only had to be a “parent” for one week, and it wore me down! So again, GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!!!

I felt tired, and grumpy, and I may have been short with them, which wasn’t fair to them. They were just as tired of me, and missing their parents.

One day, I was sitting with my 10 year old niece. This is how our conversation went:

Me: Have I been grumpy this week?

Niece: Uh, yeah….a little bit.

Me: Thank you for being honest. I’m sorry I was so grumpy, I’ve been tired, but that still doesn’t mean it was okay for me to react that way. Do you forgive me?

Niece: Yes, I forgive you.

I felt like it was so important that I was vulnerable and honest with her. She may be 10 but she’s still a person, who is growing and learning, and guess what? She has anxiety too! So I understood that maybe my reactions were bothering her more than she let on. I wanted her to know that it wasn’t her fault, that she didn’t do anything to warrant my behavior and that I can be vulnerable too. That adults still have to apologize for their mistakes just as much as children do.

Through my vulnerability I was able to listen to how she felt as well, and let her know she is not alone and her feelings matter just as much as mine. It was OKAY for me to be honest with her, even though she’s 10, because by showing her my honesty, it will help her be more honest in her life as well.

See this blog wasn’t planned, and maybe it doesn’t flow or make sense, but that’s how life is! Its messy, unorganized, and NOT planned! I just wanna be real with all of you!

I was feeling so good about myself because last month I didn’t have a migraine! That was a big accomplishment! But then yesterday I had the mother of all mothers of migraines!!!

I woke up and just thought, “Dammit! I was doing so good!” Then I had to go through the whole anxiety thought process of  “Do I call into work? Will they hate me? Will they talk about me behind my back? Will they think I’m faking it?” This is what I go through every time I’m sick or have a migraine. Anxiety is a bitch and likes to make me think that everyone is constantly assessing my every move! It’s so rude you know? My work was very generous and let me know that it was okay and to feel better!

Oh but then, my migraine, which normally lasts just a few hours, decided it wanted to be sharp, pressing, vice-like pain for 15 HOURS!!! I had to sleep with an eye mask to keep the light from coming through, and slept on and off with throwing up in between! Sorry for the graphic details, but vulnerability is messy and gross!

And then my anxiety talks to me and says “This is karma for not going along with the plan!” Well anxiety can just suck it!!! Karma didn’t give me migraines! I have had them since I was 10 and multiple doctors have not found a cause for them, how could I have pissed off karma at 10 years old? Migraines are just a thing…… I wish I didn’t have them, but until we can find something that works to take them away, there’s nothing I can do about that right now!

Anyways, this post has been long, and disjointed, and more like a word vomit, but I just wanted to be open and honest with you! I hope this either helped you, or just gave you a good laugh!