WARNING: This post may contain content that can be triggering for someone with PTSD, Depression, and Suicidal Ideation. Please take caution before reading. 

“But take heart! I have overcome the world!” John 16:33b

In Memory

This week has been devastating with the loss of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain from suicide just days after each other. They both had full lives, families, and a prosperous career. Yet both felt hopeless, like the only way out of the pain was to leave this world. My thoughts and my prayers go out to their family and friends. May they rest in peace!

Its heartbreaking, and brings up an even more desperate need to break down the walls of mental illness now more than ever! 

Putting on a good face isn’t always good

You never know the battle that is going on silently in someone’s mind and heart. No one in my life, even my closest friends, knew that I was struggling with depression and suicidal ideation. I was good at putting on a face despite the battle raging inside my head. I thank God every day for saving my life 9 years ago, by stopping me from ending my life. It took a lot of healing and time, but I can say in full confidence that all ideas of suicide have disappeared from my life!

My depression isn’t completely gone, but that’s okay. I am still working through it and finding ways to thrive. I am here to tell you that this can be your story too! I wish I hadn’t tried to put on that good face back then, if maybe I had spoken out more about what was happening inside then maybe I could have gotten help sooner. But unfortunately our society has made it difficult, but not impossible! After God saved my life from my suicide attempt I realized that I couldn’t do it without help any longer, so I sought help and found a wonderful journey through healing.

For me Faith was an integral part of my healing. For others they may find healing through other means such as:

• Medication
• Talk Therapy
• Music
• a person
• or (fill in the blank)

Everyone is different and unique, but EVERYONE deserves to find healing and learn how to THRIVE!

I don’t have depression but I want to help my loved ones

As sufferers of Depression we have to find a level of grace when it comes to those who don’t suffer from a mental illness. They simply don’t understand because they’ve never experienced it. So when you feel angry that they aren’t reading into your subtle cues, stop and take a step in their shoes and understand that they just simply don’t know.

For those of you reading this who don’t have depression or have never had thoughts of suicide, and are struggling to understand how someone in a position like Kate Spade or Anthony Bourdain could kill themselves, I’m going to paint a little picture for you.

When the noises in your head drown out all other words

I’m going to use my personal experience of thoughts that were in my head during my darkest days, and still creep into my mind every so often.

If you are suicidal or suffer with severe depression, this section may be triggering, so either skip this portion of the post or proceed with caution. 

Depression is exhausting and demoralizing. Inside the head of someone suffering from depression there is a constant internal conversation happening that often says the following things:

1. You are a loser!
2. No one loves you!
3. You are stupid!
4. Why can’t you be as pretty as that girl/boy?
5. You are so ugly, who could ever love you?
6. What is wrong with you?
7. Oh here let me list all the things wrong with you…..
8. Your parents wish you had never been born!
9. You shouldn’t have been born!
10. You are doing that wrong!
11. Everyone is going to see you doing it wrong and hate you!
12. The only way to make is better is to just quit, end it now!
13. Cut your wrist…. feel the pain because its better than feeling other things!
14. You don’t deserve that job!
15. What’s the point of getting out of bed?
16. No one will notice if you’re gone!
17. Jump off that cliff/bridge/railing! Do it I dare you!
18. Drive/jump in front of that car! Do it!
19. Take that bottle of pills! You won’t feel a thing, I promise!

THESE ARE LIES!!!

I want to emphasize to the person reading this, that these things are lies!! Yet when your mind is repeating this stuff day after day you start to believe them, and it gets more and more difficult to drown out these words!

Every situation, every external conversation/interaction, every morning routine, daily routine, conflict, or joyous event comes with this barrage of doubts and contradictions in our heads. The chemicals in the brain of someone with depression along with our long-term memory retaining every negative someone has said about us, gives us an inability to filter out the negative from the positive. It is so difficult to shut these words out.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

My depression started as early as middle school. When I was 13 I overheard a group of girls, that included someone who I considered my best friend, gossiping about me. This broke my spirit, and confirmed what my brain had been telling me for a long time, that no one could love me. And soon after I developed a disgust with myself and an aversion to mirrors. I believed that I was so ugly that no one, not even myself, could love me! So I refused to look in mirrors longer than I needed to because I couldn’t stand to look at myself!

I know now that I am beautiful and unique and anyone would be lucky to love me! but it took a long time and a lot of work to get to this place.

Fight the good fight

With these thoughts bouncing around your head it is exceedingly difficult to fight them off day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute, second after second. It is exhausting! Pretty soon we can’t fight anymore and just let it take over. It feels so much easier. But that is when we start to lose the battle!!!

There is a story from the Bible that does an amazing job of showing how to fight battles and how to come alongside others and help them win the war against depression!

In the book of Exodus, after the Israelites escaped Egypt and were wandering through the desert, they were attacked by a group called the Amalekites. As the battle began Moses and two of his friends hiked up on this mountain and here’s what happened:

“Whenever Moses held up his hand, Israel prevailed, and whenever he lowered his hand, Amalek prevailed. But Moses’ hands grew weary, so they took a stone and put it under him and he sat on it, while Aaron and Hur held up his hands, one on one side, and the other on the other side. So his hands were steady until the going down of the sun. And Joshua overwhelmed Amalek and his people with the sword.” Exodus 17:8-13

Moses knew what he needed to do, but it was difficult and pretty soon he started getting tired. Instead of giving up and letting his hands fall, his friends stood beside him and held his arms up for him! They fought the battle along with him and because they banded together they were able to win!

This doesn’t have to be the end of your story

What happened to Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, and many many others around the world, is a tragedy and so sad! And I’m not saying they didn’t fight, or have help! I don’t know that, I don’t know their stories! But I do know that this doesn’t have to be your story!

If you suffer from Depression you are fighting an impossible battle! You are working against forces that are great, and you can find help! You can find friends to hold your arms while you fight! You can overcome this! I did!

I am still learning, and still fight the battle, but because I’ve found my people it has become so much easier to fight against those negative words and I have found a way to believe in myself!

I BELIEVE IN YOU!!

In case you haven’t heard it before I’m going to say it now…..

YOUR STORY MATTERS!! YOU MATTER! I BELIEVE IN YOU!!!

If you are having suicidal thoughts I encourage you to please call the

National Suicide Hotline at: 1-800-273-8255