“You’re my sister, you’re my family, you’re all I’ve got, you’re my person.” — Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

“I’m fine!”
“I’m good!”
“No I’m not upset!”
“That’s okay, don’t worry about it.”

How many times a day do we say this empty words? How many times are these things just a flat out lie?

People ask us “How are you?” and we’ve been taught to respond with “I’m good” or “Fine.” But majority of the time these things are not true. Who actually wants to hear the truth anyways? If I would tell the truth when greeted here’s how the conversation would probably go:

Person A: Hi! How are you?

Me: Oh I’m doing okay. I mean I still don’t have a job, my finances are a wreck, my anxiety is really high because everything is just stressful, my book is just getting off to a slow start, my family is going through some things, and my knee hurts all the time! But you know I’m hanging in there. God is good and he’s taking care of me. I have good friends and I am involved heavily at my church which brings me a lot of joy and keeps me distracted. So yeah, I’m doing okay….

Person A: (Merely stares blankly and awkwardly at me because they didn’t expect me to answer honestly and they just back away slowly thinking I’m a freak for speaking the truth)

In America we have gotten to a place in relationships when everything is about surface value, and people become scared to explore the deeper places of relationships and friendships with others. We’ve lost the ability to connect, and as a result those of us who already suffer from anxiety and depression bury ourselves deeper into the hole because we don’t have an outlet to let out the thoughts and emotions that build inside of us.

Tell the truth!

How do we break the mold? How do we talk about how we are doing and things we’re going through if no one wants to listen?

Find your person!

I love the show Grey’s Anatomy, and one of the reasons I love it so much is the very real and raw relationships on the show. Cristina Yang and Meredith Grey meet at their first day of internship and a beautiful friendship is formed. They go through a lot together and call each other “my person”. They listen to each other bitch, whine, complain. They call the other out when they are being dumb, and comfort them when they need it. They are able to talk about all of their feelings and issues because they know in the end they can trust each other and they will always be there no matter what.

I have been incredibly lucky in my life to find my person. I actually have several “persons”. Friends who I’ve made throughout the years that have gained my full trust, who I know won’t judge me, talk down to me, sugar-coat things, and shut me down. They listen to me, let me go on and on about whatever thoughts swirl around my head, talk things through with me, tell me when I’m being dumb and how I need to fix it, are honest with me, and they will cut anyone who tries to hurt me! THAT’S what it looks like to have a support system!

With their help and support I was able to dig my way out of the deep dark hole depression took me to, and they still help me through my anxiety and depressive days even now.

So tell the truth! Be honest! If someone asks how you are give them an honest answer! If they shut you down and make you feel stupid, then move on and find someone else to talk to, until you find that person who will actually listen to you!

Don’t let someone else’s fear of reality deprive you of the healing you deserve!

You deserve to be heard! You don’t have to be okay and fine all the time! The things you are feeling are 100% valid and you deserve to have the chance to work through them and find healing!

You can have more than one Person

I don’t believe you have to have just one person. I have many persons. And I have learned what each of them will be for me. For their privacy I won’t say their names here, I’ll just use the first letter of their names (You know who you are!)

R: She is my voice of reason. She doesn’t sugar-coat things and will tell me when I am being dumb and need to fix the problem myself. She gives it to me straight and honest. But she will also cut a bitch if anyone crosses with me.

N: She’s my soul sister. She is the gentle sweet logical thinker. She will help me see the other side of the story and piece things together in a way I never saw it before. She will help me find a solution where no one will get hurt. She’s also the one I will go to when I just need to verbally process what is going on in my brain even if I already know what I need to do.

Am: She is a ray of sunshine. If I’m having a bad day and I need someone who will distract me or affirm me, she’s the one I go to. She will talk about Disney and movies and make me laugh and smile and make me feel like I am the most awesome person on earth. She’s always there for me.

Al: She is my listener. She just lets me go on and on about my crappy day and just listens and nods along when she needs to and tells me she’s sorry that I’m going through whatever it is. She lets me just unload and not give me too much reassurance I don’t want. She’s just there to listen, and I do that for her too when she needs an ear to listen.

God/Jesus: My rock. When I am feeling my most vulnerable, in the midst of a panic attack or depressive mood, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God will always be there to listen to me. So I will pray and listen to music and he always gives me a little piece of reassurance, something to calm me down, a song or a word or just a peace in the depths of my soul. Yes even a supernatural person can help.

Be Vulnerable

The hardest part in all this is being vulnerable! You are going to expose the deepest parts of your soul but its good! It’s healing! Why do you think therapists and psychiatrists encourage you to talk about it? Because as human beings we aren’t supposed to keep that much inside of us! We are supposed to talk about it, let it out!

So I’m going to be vulnerable with you right now!

This year has been really hard! I have been in places of need I have never experienced before! I’ve been pushed to my emotional limit over and over again. Every single month has been like walking on glass just trying to make it to the end only to do it all over again! Here’s what I’ve dealt with this year:

• In March I lost my job of 2 years. It was a bittersweet thing. I knew I was gonna struggle, but I also saw it as an opportunity to really pursue the things I loved and wanted to do.
• I lost my health insurance when I lost my job, and because of open enrollment, I’ve been unable to find a plan that was accepting applications and was within my budget, so I’ve been uninsured almost all year. I know that I will get fined on my taxes but I’ve tried to find health insurance and its been impossible.
• I did find another part time job at an art museum. I loved it, but it was only part time so still didn’t cover all the bills.
• I have applied to over 50 job positions, maybe more I’ve lost count, and had about 10 interviews, all of which (besides the museum) have said no. I have never in my life had this much trouble finding a job. And before you start making suggestions, I have literally applied everywhere and no one has accepted me!!! I have done everything I can, its up to God now!
• I have been struggling and scraping the bottom of the barrel just to pay my bills every month, even with making some money from unemployment. But God has been generous and provided.
• I am heavy in debt with student loans, maxed out credit cards, and car payments.
• I injured my knee badly in June at work. I was able to apply for and get workers compensation which has helped pay for treatments, but its still been a struggle.
• Because of the severity of my injury I was not able to do my job and I had to leave the museum to seek more treatment and healing for my knee.
• I was able to make some money from a temporary babysitting job but then that ended and I was worse than when I started out.
• I’ve had doctors misdiagnosing me, or prescribing the wrong treatment which has prevented me from seeing any improvement in my knee at all.
• I have fought for myself to get a second opinion from another doctor but this has still be 4 months of pain and frustration.
• As of two weeks ago unemployment has decided that I am no longer eligible for compensation because of my knee injury and did not give me my final payment which meant I couldn’t make rent for the first time.
• God provided my rent money again at the very last second.
• Where I live parking is near impossible by my house and any time I find parking close to my house I find myself with another parking ticket for one reason or the other. What do they expect me to do with my car if I can’t park anywhere???? So that has been another added stress especially since parking five blocks away from my house is not an option because I cannot walk, but the dumb doctor refuses to give me a parking permit!!
• My mom had a small stroke which was scary! She was fine and made a full recovery, but that was just a heavy blow!
• My best friend went through an unimaginable loss, and I was hundreds of miles away so couldn’t be there with her and that was really difficult for me!  My heart really broke for her!

I am not complaining. I have an amazing God who is blessing me and showing me new things daily, I am really living each day for him at my church and in my life. I am working on an exciting project with my friend, and working on selling my book.

But the thing is, the things I listed above still cause me a lot of stress. No I’m not complaining, I’m just talking about my reality. This is what I’m struggling with. This is what I wake up every day thinking about. How will I pay rent this month? How will I buy gas for my car? Or food? What jobs are left for me to apply for? What am I gonna do about my knee? These are real problems, but you know what? I’m still here!

To Live would be an awfully big adventure

These are real life struggles, and yes they cause me a lot of stress, but you know what? My life is great!

I’m alive, and the fact that despite all of this I can still get out of bed and do something and make things happen and fight for what I deserve, THAT is what I mean when I say my life is great! I get to struggle, because I’m alive, and I choose to live every day despite all of it!

I’m not fine

No I’m not “Fine”.

No I’m not “Good”.

Yes I am “upset”.

No its not “okay”, and you should be “sorry” about it.

I am living life in the realist way possible and its messy, and hard, and I get offended, and I offend others, and I struggle, and I have bad days, and I cry….. A LOT! And I am okay with being honest and telling people that! And THAT is what makes me free and THAT is why when someone asks me “How are you?” I can smile and say with honesty……

I’m Great!