I am NOT Okay

I am NOT okay

I am not okay that I had to lie in bed, fearful, as I listened to violence rage just down the street.

I am not okay with police brutality and racial profiling.

I am not okay that so many beautiful, wonderful humans, are treated so horribly.

I am not okay that so many beautiful, wonderful humans, have to live in fear every day.

I am not okay that so many have lost their lives because of this injustice.

I am not okay that violence rages all around.

I am not okay that people all over are suffering.

I am not okay.

On Saturday as I sat safe in my apartment, just three blocks away violence broke out in La Mesa. I listened to helicopters, sirens, and explosions of grenades from 2pm until 4:30am. I sat in fear, praying the violence didn’t push onto our street. I felt the pain and sadness as I thought of all those people being sprayed with tear gas and shot with rubber bullets. I felt helpless.

In the morning, after a restless couple hours of sleep, I woke up with tears streaming down my face, scared of hearing the helicopters or sirens again. Absolutely heartbroken. My roommate and I spent the day weeping and mourning for this world. She cried, heartbroken for her people. I cried for the shame and guilt I felt as a white woman for the pain white privilege caused. We cried over our nation that is in utter chaos and turmoil. We cried over the pain that was being felt everywhere. We cried because we don’t know what to do.

On Sunday morning, after La Mesa was burning and broken from the night before, we were moved by the hundreds of people who came out to clean up the mess and stand beside small business owners who’s businesses were destroyed. The community came together, and it was a beautiful picture of what it can look like to be the hands and feet of Jesus.

Instead of shouting words of blame and hate, and feeling helpless, maybe there is something we can do. We can stop and listen. We can spread love and peace. We can stand beside our black brothers and sisters in solidarity and say “We see you!” And “We hear you!” And actually close our damn mouths, open our eyes and ears to see and listen without speaking! We can stand up against racism and bring racial reconciliation. We can donate to programs that actually work towards a free world with racial equality. We can register to vote and bring about real change in our legislation.

I have never walked in the shoes of a minority in America. I don’t fully understand what people in this country go through, and so I am going to end with this.

Please help me understand.

Please share your voice with me.

What would a free world look like to you?

What do you want me to know about your experience?

What can I do?

What would you like to hear or not hear from someone who has never been in your shoes?

How do I stand with you?

I love you!

I want to understand!

I am ready to listen!

I stand with you!

San Diego and national organizations:

• ACLU San Diego
• Racial Equality Alliance: West SoCal associate Member
• George Floyd fund
• Know Your Rights Camp
• The Movement for Black Lives
• San Diego Black Nurses Association
• Family Health Centers of San Diego