SHOWING UP vs. SHOWING OUT
These might sound like the same thing to you, but I see them as two different concepts.
To SHOW OUT is to enter a space with your focus only half there, to put on a front and appeal to the perception of those around you.
To SHOW UP is to enter a space with your full focus and intention in humility. You are there to care for others, to look outside yourself and be present in the moment.
Showing up for others
There’s different ways to show up.
- Showing up for Work
- Showing up for your responsibilities
- Showing up for your family
- Showing up for a friends when they need you
- Showing up through acts of kindness toward others
- Showing up for yourself through self-care
What it means is that you choose to show up physically, emotionally, mentally for yourself or others with your focus in the present moment. It doesn’t mean you are helping your friend move with a begrudging attitude, thinking through the drinks you’re going to order later to make up for how sore your muscles are. Instead you’re delighted to help them, to genuinely celebrate them in their new home, ordering pizza after and sharing the first meal in their house with them.
It doesn’t mean you show up for a work meeting late, roll your eyes when your boss lectures you, and only half-listen to the topics presented. Instead you show up early, prepare your notes, listen intently, and present any concerns to your boss in a professional manner.
It means when your sister calls you crying at 2am you don’t groan and tell her to get her act together then hang up. Instead, you pour yourself some coffee, and listen to her, talk with her, pay attention to what she’s saying, ask her questions to understand what the root cause might be. If are close by, you drive over there to be with her. All without even blinking an eye, because showing up for someone else is second nature.
Showing up for strangers looks like a kind smile and saying hello, helping them carry a heavy bag of groceries to their car, offering your extra chips and guac when theirs fell on the ground. It’s not rocket science, it’s just human decency and kindness. It’s letting people know they are more important than yourself.
When I worked for Disney I learned about the 5 Second Rule. It’s the concept that it only take 5 seconds to change someone’s life. If you’re on your way to work and running late, but a guest stops you to take their picture, you can spare five seconds to step off the path and take their picture. What if that’s the only family photo they have from that trip, and the father or mother passes away. Those five seconds of your time just became the image they will hold onto for the rest of their life. It doesn’t take much time to be kind. You have the power to create magic for others, so why not show up for them?
When showing up feels impossible…
It’s easy to show up for other people most of the time. Just turn off the selfish part of your brain and pay attention. It’s infinitely harder to show up for yourself.
Often times I find this the most difficult. I’ll help my friend move heavy boxes to their new house, organize their room, label their shelves. But cleaning my own room? Organizing my belongings? That’s too much, and a waste of my time.
I’ll pick up the phone and talk to my friend who is having a panic attack, talk her down from the ledge, and promise to show up tomorrow with a plate of brownies. But when life feels overwhelming, and I’m spiraling, I couldn’t pick up the phone to inconvenience my friends with my problems. I’ll do it for them, but I don’t expect them do it for me. I’m not as worthy of their concern. I don’t deserve to be showed up for.
These are the lies we tell ourselves to justify the hole we dig and jump into. I’m at the bottom of this hole/pit and can’t find my way out, but don’t worry about me, I’ll figure it out. you don’t need to come and help me out. REALLY, I promise I’ll be okay. Go back to your barbeque.
Several years ago I went through a scary period of time when I thought I had a lump in my breast. I was in pain, and the doctor didn’t feel confident in her assessment, so sent me for further tests and to a breast specialist to give me a more comprehensive diagnosis. As I waited for my results, I was being “brave” and holding all my worries close. I mentioned to my small group that I had the appointment, trying to make light of it, and one of them asked if I’d like her to come with me. I of course brushed her off and told her not to worry about it. But she just gave me a hard look and said “We’re here for you, all you have to do is ask, as we will be there.” That unconditional offer of support TERRIFIED me. I legit had a mini panic attack. I was not raised in a supportive family. We held our feelings in, and we did things by ourselves because we were strong, independent women.
The night before the appointment, I plucked up the nerve and texted my friend, asking if she’d be free to come to the appointment with me the next day. (but it’s okay if you can’t. I totally understand, really. Don’t worry about it.) She immediately said yes, and told me she was proud of me for showing up for myself and asking for help. I wept that night, realizing how much her support meant to me. The next day she showed up with the baby she nannied (here hold the baby to calm your nerves), and sat in the waiting room with me. Turns out the “lump” they found was a benign cyst, and perfectly normal. Not breast cancer. Just some recommendations for supplements to sooth the pain. My friend rejoiced with me, and was waiting there with open arms.
I showed up for myself that day, not in dealing with the problem by myself, but by asking for help. I put my pride aside, asked for help, and was met with unconditional support and love by someone willing to show up for me.
How to show up for yourself
Some days, just getting out of bed feels insurmountable. So how do I show up for myself when my spirit and energy are down?
- Do one thing that brings you joy every day. This can be drawing, going for a walk, putting on makeup, wearing your favorite dress, etc. Whatever it is that makes your heart sing, do that. Just one thing a day, that’s it.
- Smile at someone you love. We as human beings were created for connection with others. It fills an empty place in our soul to connect with others, especially someone we love. Also smiling is proven to boosts endorphins that improve your mood. So smile at someone at least once a day.
- Take a bath or another calming activity. That sounds like a silly thing, but really it doesn’t have to be a bath. Just do something that will calm down your nervous system. Take a hot shower, a hot bath fills with oils and candles, listen to your favorite music, meditate, do yoga. Whatever it is that will calm your soul, do that. Take care of yourself.
- Do something for someone else. Whether that’s buying a meal for a friend who just had a baby or recent surgery, or weeding your elderly neighbors yard, just do something for someone else without expecting anything in return. As I said before, we were made for connection with others, and showing kindness to others is free, but with a greater reward. In the end, doing something for someone else, is showing up for yourself.
- Ask for help. The scariest one of all. Sometimes showing up for yourself means asking others for help. It’s terrifying to be vulnerable, but you’ll find how many friends are just waiting for the opportunity to serve you without expecting anything in return. It’s okay to delegate. It’s okay to share the burden. It does not make you a burden yourself.
Is there a point?….
Yes, and no. Sometimes my blogs are just me rambling about the latest spiraling thoughts that won’t leave me alone and I just bring you along on the journey.
Today, I was supposed to facilitate our staff meeting, where it was possible I would be the only English speaker, with no fluency of the language. All the main staff members are gone, and it would just be the local staff in attendance. I was nervous but also believed in my own ability to get through. However, no one else showed up. Which is fine, for most of them this is just their volunteer position, or secondary job. But it sparked the question in my mind….
What if I didn’t show up? What if I had feigned sickness–or had real sickness–and everyone else had shown up without anyone to facilitate? I had a responsibility, they were relying on me, and even though no one else showed up, I DID. Again they all have valid reasons, but it had me thinking about the ways I haven’t shown up. Or the times I’ve “shown up” but wasn’t present in the moment, thinking about everything else under the moon EXCEPT what was happening right in front of me. The times where I showed out instead of showed up, and I felt a stab of guilt.
I want to be a person the shows up. I want to be a person who is at work or other responsibilities unless I have a true emergency. I want to be a person who shows up for friends no matter how I’m “feeling”. I want to be the person that is on time, is respectful of others, says hello to the cashier and asks how their day is going, who gives a pastry to the single mother counting coins to buy food for her kids. I want to show up for myself by prioritizing my time, keeping my room clean, making hygiene a priority, but also making space to rest and asking for help when I need it.
So the point is….
The Mountains We Face 